This is the ultimate attachment parenting resource. It begins with the premise that as parents our goal should not be to "get our children to do as they are told" but rather to "give our children what they need". Think about that for a minute. As your mind shifts from one paradigm to the other, do you physically relax? I know I do.
I can give my children what they need. I can love them unconditionally. I can talk about their fears and anger and let them know that I will protect them and love them, no matter what. But I can't get them to do as they're told! In fact, I don't want to. I love having spirited, independent minded children. I want them to think for themselves.
Children adapt. Systems of rewards and punishments are effective, but only at shaping behavior. Children learn what is expected and act accordingly to receive rewards or avoid punishments. The trouble with this system is that the minute they are not observed, as soon as the reward/punishment system is removed, the behavior breaks down.
More effective for long-term results are behavior modeling (yes that means the parents have to do xyz as well) and communication. Teaching and showing children appropriate, kind, thoughtful behavior and explaining why and how it is expected may take longer, and require more effort on the part of the parents, but the long-term results will be worth it. The process of growing people does not need to follow a business model. We are not looking at short-term results. These memories and lessons are meant to last a lifetime.
I completely agree that behavior modeling and communication are essential for long-term results in parenting. I even think that as parents we might even need to err on the side of exaggerated communication and behaviors at times to make sure our children are picking up on it. For example, I usually brush my teeth right before going to bed. However, this means that my one-year old doesn't ever see me brushing my teeth and can't learn from my example. So I try to brush my teeth when he goes to bed and when I go to bed so that he can learn from my example (he currently really hates teeth brushing). Also, I know that my husband knows that I love him. However, it is good to say this out loud (or show by giving a hug, etc.) in family settings so it is clearly communicated to my child. Finally, when my kiddo throws a tantrum as all toddlers do now and then, I try to respond in a manner that reflects how I would like him to be behaving at that point (calm quiet voice, etc.).
ReplyDeleteAnd I also think parents can play an important role of pointing out good behaviors of other people. A very clear and significant memory I have is of my mother pointing out how an elderly gentleman we knew always would look for things to do to help others without asking. And he would keep helping until all the jobs were done. This was pointed out as we saw him washing a huge pile of dishes without being asked at a social function. To this day I remind myself to be like him and always try to help when I see a need. It was an valuable lesson that my mother recognized and channeled toward me.
Nice thought-provoking post. Thanks.